Church, Family, and Family Ministry
Jurisdiction, Relationship, and Warnings
The church and the family have an integral and symbiotic relationship that needs to be understood and clearly communicated so that both can thrive. That mutual relationship has gone awry in Western-European influenced churches. I will examine the partnership between the local church and the Christian family in regards to family ministry by discussing the impact of misplaced jurisdictional authority, followed by an overview of their biblical relationship and a definition of terms. I will conclude with strategies of shared ministry between church and family.
Misplaced Jurisdictional Authority
Family ministry is struggling in American churches. 99% of pastors said parents should be the frontline of discipleship for their children. However, only 20% have a plan for equipping parents and 10% have resources for parents. 85% of parents say they should the frontline of discipleship for their kids.1 Yet, according to a Barna poll surveying ‘Parents Top Goal for their Kids,’ number 1 is Education (39%), 2nd is that their ‘Children feel loved’ (24%), 3rd is ‘Leading them to know Jesus’ (22%). What if 65% of parents in your church said they’ve done a good job parenting if their kids have a good education and feel loved but don't know Jesus? When churches take over the primary discipleship role in the family, several problems occur:
Parents may abdicate their biblical responsibility, becoming spiritually passive. Even worse, children may see the recently graduated (newly married?) youth leader, who has no life experience outside of seminary classes, as the spiritual authority in their life!
Parents relegate their children’s spiritual development to the church, whose influence is limited to a few hours per week (2 hours/week ~120/year) or charismatic experiences at youth retreats, rather than the ongoing influence parents have (2000+hrs/year). The home has the greatest impact on young lives, with few exceptions. If we fail to impact the home how will we make a lasting impact on the next generation?
Children compartmentalize their faith. ‘Spiritual things’ are done at church, while professional and daily family life is its own separate thing. Spiritual development, discipleship, evangelism, etc. are seen as jobs for professionals and not all followers of Jesus to be incorporated into their daily lives.
Children are at risk of spending their entire church lives with an emphasis on having fun and are unprepared to enter the church as an adult. They also lack preparedness for life outside of their parents influence, which is why many leave the faith when attending college. As a result, youth ministry is now extended into young adult ministry, then young professionals, then married with young kids and so forth, as a way to help an entire generation of people encapable of joining mixed intergenerational adult services. 9
The church spends the majority of its time separating people by age, removing the opportunity for inter-generational spiritual discipleship.
It doesn’t have to be this way!
Overview of an Appropriate Biblical Relationship between Church and Family
An important step for implementing a mutually beneficial family ministry is defining the jurisdiction and contribution of the family and church. Our theology of family ministry needs to be influenced the share purposed between family and church, with the appropriate boundaries between the family’s scope and the church’s scope of ministry.
Shared Purpose and Origin
The church and family have a common mission and origin; the family originated in the work of God in Creation (Gen 1-2) and the church originated in the work of God in recreation (2 Cor 5:18-19).2 Although the family orginated first, they both seek to advance God’s kingdom through proclamation and practice. The family needs to be in a symbiotic relationship with the church as opposed to being idolized or an instrument of the church. The church and the family thrive in a cooperative relationship with one another because, “Ministry THROUGH the family TO the church is equally as important as ministry FROM the church TO the family.”3
Family Jurisdiction
Families are the primary disciple-makers in their homes and beyond. The family is the first institution for human development,4 meaning, the family is the default precedent for personal and spiritual growth of persons. God’s establishment of the family institution was described as ‘very good’ (Gen 1:31; 2:24). The institution of the family existed before the Fall and was seen as a blessing towards the harmony, peace, and purpose God wanted for mankind. The family is a part of God’s salvation plan for mankind through reigning over the earth, reflecting His image, as well as spiritual and physical reproduction (Gen 1:26-28; 2:24).
The family continues to play a prominent role in God’s purpose post-fall as the gospel itself has its birth in the family (Luke 2). When the family’s jurisdictional authority is not marginalized, the partnership between family and church allows one’s home to powerfully extend the ministry of the church into the community as ‘(1) a station for relational evangelism, (2) a base for transformational discipleship, (3) a source for inter-generational relationships, and (4) a satellite for ministry outreach.’5
A Father’s Example
Of note, fathers have a unique responsibility in the spiritual development of children.
“Fathers, don’t stir up anger in your children, but bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4
As such, fathers must 1) maintain peace within the home and cultivate an environment for discipleship, 2) train and discipline your children in the Lord, and 3) instruct your children in the ways of the Lord. In the beginning, your children will understand their relationship with the heavenly Father as they understand their relationship with their earthly father. The father must be intentional in the shepherding of his family as the stakes are high.
Church Jurisdiction
The church’s mission is to worship God, preach the Bible, shepherd the church, care for and equip believers.6
Acting outside of their God-given authority allows sin to abound, crisis to go unsolved, adding friction and obstacles for families because of a reduction in motivation, time, and resources.7
The church cannot subsume the responsibilities of the family by taking on their responsibility. “If we want to see churches and families partnering together effectively to advance the Gospel through the generations, then we need to have a solid understanding of the roles and responsibilities God has given to each institution. Building a strong family ministry in your church will require a clear base of jurisdictional theology.”
The church must unashamedly prioritize equipping families to follow their calling in family ministry. The church supports families through holistic, intentional, and persistent commitment by maximizing ALL worship, ministry, administration, educational, and social activities to promote the family’s well-being.8 The church has a major role to play within their jurisdictional authority towards family ministry, more specifically, the church should:
Provide resources, training, and encouragement to help parents fulfill their God-given responsibility.
Church programs and ministries should supplement, not supplant, parental discipleship efforts.
Pastors and church leaders are called to model family discipleship and equip parents to lead spiritually at home.
Pastor’s Example
The pastor’s relationship with family ministry is essential. The pastor who desires to lead a family-equipping church must show that they understand it is not the church but the parents who are given the primary responsibility for calling the emerging generation to hope in God (Ps. 78:1–8). The church should be able to look to the pastor as an example of the appropriate balance between church, family and their partnership in family ministry. As such, the pastor must disciple their own family, and the church should set conditions for that to reoccur faithfully in every ministry season.
The prerequisite that a pastor must appropriately shepherd their family, before even being qualified for the pastorate (1 Tim 3:5; Tit 1:6), is a strong indicator of appropriate priorities for the partnership between church and family in family ministry.
Now I will take a moment to define our terms before discussing more strategies of mutual collaboration between church and family.
Defining Appropriate Terms
For a proper relationship to be understood and lived out between family and church, all believers must work from a common definition of family, family ministry and church. Defined terms will also help us converse better.
Family
The Intimate Marriage’s definition of intimacy works well to define the family: a family is participants in close moments of intense sharing with an ongoing quality of the relationship present even in times of distance and conflict. This definition places less emphasis on a biological nucleus and can incorporate all persons whom are intimate with one another. The Hebrew and Greek words for ‘family’ – bayit, mispaha, oikos, oikia, and patria – all extend beyond the biological nuclear unit and are often best contextualized as household or clan.
Church
One needs to include the essence of what it means to ‘be’ and ‘do’ church in defining ‘church’. The local church is a Christ-centered, covenanted, people of God, gathering in proximity and established by Holy Spirit, marked by baptism, with the aim to give God glory through unity, discipleship, holiness, truth, love and worship (symbolized frequently in the experience of communion). I talk more about the mission and ministry of the church here:
Family Ministry
Chris Shirley’s definition of family ministry narrows our focus properly, “Family Ministry is the shared service of all disciples in a local church—called by God and gifted by the Holy Spirit—to strengthen families and equip them to make disciples of Jesus Christ in the home, as the church, and throughout the world.” Each element in the definition of family ministry encompasses an important aspect. These aspects fertilize the environment for fruitful focus within a church towards family discipleship by all of its members. To restate, discipleship of the family involves everyone in the church.
Everyone needs to be involved in the discipleship of everyone within their church body.
Having defined church, family, and family ministry, the following strategies can foster a mutually beneficial relationship between church and family.
Strategies of Shared Ministry
The church and the family exist in a mutually submissive, sacrificial, and symbiotic relationship with one another. The relationship of the church and family is illustrated well by the congressionalist’s view of ecclesiology in which the family submits to the church and the church to the family.9 The worshipper cannot conclude that they must prioritize God first, family second, and the church third; nor can church be second and family third.10 A church with healthy boundaries will help its believers say ‘God first, family and church… yes.’ As an example, a family may reorganize their family schedule to support church activities. Simultaneously church activities will not eliminate the family’s spiritual development opportunities but rather supplement and encourage home ministry. Chris Shirley has identified three primary categories to help us know ways the church and family can support one another: the church-as-guardrail, church-as-family, and family-as-church models.11
Church-as-guardrail (Counseling): The goal is to strengthen healthy households and to heal strained or shattered family relationships. These are activities such as counseling and accountability ministries.
Church-as-family (Family Services): The goal is to help God’s people to relate to one another more like a family. These are activities such as family services and educational ministries.
Family-as-church (Equipping Services): The goal is to equip parents to disciple their children in the context of their daily lives together. These are activities that focus on equipping families for disciple-making opportunities within the home and to the world.
Practical Activities
There are several activities that can be prioritized to connect the family and the church in the shared ministry of family ministry within the three categories of counseling, equipping, and family services. I will highlight one example for each category.
Equipping: Deacon Ministry
We are not taking advantage of our deacons’ giftings and ability to model family ministry. In the area of family equipping or ‘family-as-church,’ there is an opportunity for churches to capitalize on the office of deacon. Deacon ministry arose out of a need to care for the marginalized families within the church (Acts 6:1-7). The biblical role of deacon is to ‘provide logistical and material support so that the elders can concentrate their efforts on the Word of God and prayer.’12 As deacons prioritize benevolence ministries, church leaders can equip them to be more intentional with family equipping ministry.
Deacons can be the hands and feet for helping families be more intentional in family ministry. Deacons are required to manage their own households competently for appointment (1 Tim 3:12), although not for the shepherding of the church (1 Tim 3:5). However, it is necessary for them and their wives (1 Tim 3:11) to model appropriate conduct. Although deacons may not be accountable for the spiritual vitality of the church nor responsible for teaching, they can serve a major role by being an example of a family with a healthy partnership between family and church in family ministry. The physical needs of the church and church members correlate to their spiritual needs and employing deacons already serving in this sphere can be powerful. This can be done by assigning new members to deacons, expecting deacons to conduct home visits as well as nurturing fellowship within their homes. Deacons are well positioned to be aware of a family’s physical and spiritual needs and be most effective in helping to equip the family.13
Church-as-guardrail (Counseling)
In the area of counseling or ‘church-as-guardrails,’ Robert Kellemen recommends having biblical counseling within a church ministry strategy. Biblical counseling emphasizes therapeutic efforts for families in need of more serious help.14 Kellemen defines biblical family counseling as ‘sharing gospel truth in love— in the context of a caring relationship for the purpose of loving family relationships.’15 This means the parents are the best biblical counselors and parental shepherds, while biblical counseling supports them in that role.16 This approach to biblical family counseling further supports the notion of parents as the primary disciplers of their children while providing professional help.
Church-as-Family: Family Services
In the area of ‘church-as-family,’ family services or family enrichment ministries, the practical examples and opportunities are endless. Family enrichment ministries encourage families to be on mission and purpose to serve God through the application of the biblical message in the areas that specifically relate to the issues families face - premarriage, divorce, grief, sex education, money management, single adults, senior adults, family education, family life, and family clusters.17 There are four types of church activities that can help with family services or enrichment ministries – conferences, retreats, workshops, and courses/seminars that administer to a variety of needs. The church can strategize family services or enrichment ministries through 10 developmental stages of life: youth to adult, engagement to marriage, marriage to pregnancy, child bearing to preschool, early child development to middle school-aged children, adolescent children, children leaving the home, retirement, and death of a mate.18
An example of an enrichment ministry that could have great impact, in an area which churches struggle to approach wisely, is race-wisdom. Lee and Reyes make a strong suggestion that race-wisdom, as opposed to race-awareness, is necessary training the church and parents must incorporate to be kingdom-minded.19 Families and the church, through family ministry, can lead believers in valuing a multi-ethnic body of believers, understanding a biblical view of ethnicity and racism, assessing biases, journeying towards racial reconciliation, acknowledge the spiritual war happening within and around so as to be alert in order to serve the King and not the enemy, as well as raising kingdom-minded children that love their neighbor. The church can partner with families in the area of race-wisdom to equip families in their calling to be on mission and purpose to serve God through the application of the biblical messages regarding race. Race-wisdom is a specific example, but again this can be applied to many areas as beforementioned.
Conclusion
The partnership between the local church and a Christian family in the shared ministry of family ministry begins with defining one’s terms and understanding appropriate jurisdictional boundaries. A biblical theology of family ministry sees a mutually submissive, sacrificial, and symbiotic relationship between the church and family such that both thrive and are supported within their jurisdictional responsibilities. Churches equip and resource parents for spiritual leadership at home. Parents actively disciple their children daily and model faith in action. Church ministries reinforce and support what is being taught at home. Both church and family recognize their unique, complementary roles in spiritual formation. By maintaining this biblical balance, the church supports families without overstepping its bounds and parents embrace their God-given calling as the primary spiritual influence of their children. This shared ministry approach will maximize the spiritual vitality for both churches and families.
To Churches:
How does our church coordinate its efforts around a strategic question for family ministry?
In what ways does our church support and encourage faith-training in the home?
How does our church set and communicate high expectations for husbands and fathers in spiritual leadership?
How does our ministry foster appreciation for different generations within families and the church community?
How do we encourage and equip parents to develop lifelong plans for their children's spiritual growth?
In what ways does our church help parents focus on eternal goals in their parenting?
How effectively does our church synchronize all ministry efforts between the two partnered influences - church and home?
How clearly and consistently does our church communicate expectations and plans to parents?
Does our church provide a comprehensive resource guide for family devotions and addressing family issues?
How well do we connect the church's teaching ministries to what's happening in the home?
What catalytic venues does our church offer to introduce parents to the vision of family ministry?
How does our church provide family-equipping mission opportunities that involve both parents and children?
To Parents:
How actively do you work to deepen relationships between your children and church leaders?
To what extent do you build your family schedule around the ministries and services of the church?
How firmly do you support the church's efforts to spiritually impact your teenagers?
Have you fully assumed your rightful place as the spiritual leader in the lives of your children?
How effectively do you teach the Bible to your children in a way that affirms Scripture as absolute truth?
Does your church provide you with adequate resources and a plan for family worship?
How often do you share personal testimonies of faith with your children at home?
In what ways do you serve alongside your teenage children in ministry or community service?
Howell, John C. Church and Family: Growing Together. Nashville, Tenn: Broadman Press, 1984. 14-15.
Shirley, Family Ministry, 63-64, 69
Howell, Church and Family, 25
Shirley, Family Ministry and the Church, 69
Rienow, Visionary Church,110
Rienow, Visionary Church, 80, 86-87
Sheek, Ministry with Families, 119
Hammett, John S. Biblical Foundations for Baptist Churches - A Contemporary Ecclesiology. Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Publications, 2005. 146-150
Hinkle and Cook, How to Minister, 97
Jones, Timothy Paul. “Equipping the Generations: Developing Family Ministry Curriculum for Your Church,” Journal of Discipleship & Family Ministry Volume 2 2, no. 1 (2012): 65-66.
Benjamin L. Merkle, 40 Questions about Elders and Deacons, 40 Questions Series (Grand Rapids, MI: Kregel Ministry, 2008), 238.
O’Donnell, J. D. Handbook for Deacons. Nashville, TN: Randall House Publications: 1973. 88-89
Hauk, Gary H. Family Enrichment in Your Church. Nashville, Tenn: Convention Press, 1988. 14
Kellemen, Robert W.. Gospel-Centered Family Counseling : An Equipping Guide for Pastors and Counselors. Baker Books, 2020. 46
Kellemen, Gospel-Centered Family Counseling, 21-22
Hinkle and Cook, How to Minister, 75-87
Howell, Church and Family, 35
Lee, Helen; Reyes, Michelle Ami. The Race-Wise Family: Ten Postures to Becoming Households of Healing and Hope. Crown Publishing, 2022. 136