God, the Undercurrent

After this year, I am left with a choice, trust God fully or doubt.

What does nature teach you about God?

One of the questions asked a few weekends ago when I was backpacking was, “Where do you see reflections of God in nature?”

backpacking in sam houston national forest - cold and rainy

This has been a year of clarity and refinement. Not in the ways I would have anticipated nor wanted. It has been a roller coaster of a year, the highest of highs and lowest of lows. A year of wondering, “Why Lord?”

My relationship with God has changed drastically. Partly because of the clarity that has come from fasting for almost two years. My fast was not eating for 6 meals a week, which was (and still is) a big deal for me.¹ I wanted intimacy with God to be experiential - something deeply connected, mystical and satisfying. I wanted more of the monk and wise sage vibes rather than embattled soldier. I did not have a mountaintop experience while fasting. There was no overwhelming love of God saturating the atmosphere. There was no crying nor awe involved. Similar to the soldier in war, the fasting has been a burden. Some days were easier than others.

Fasting is still a grind and a choice. It is not an intense satiation leading to special revelation. I do not want a quid pro quo relationship with God in which I fast and He gives me relgious experiences. However, I was hoping that the collected days of fasting would lead to something more intuitive with God. The soldier knows that war is not glorious but a reality that just is. My relationship with God is not one in which I won’t be able to finish my sentences because I am overwhelmed with the joy of the Lord. That is also not my personality. My relationship is more of a God is a reality that just is. I am sure God can show up in the parting of the waters king of ways but in my life He has been more the undercurrent – flowing, reshaping, replenishing, and a constant.

God as Undercurrent

God as undercurrent in my life has been disappointing. I want God as rain, overabundance pouring over so much that it blesses those in the vicinity as well. I want God as the ocean storms, destroying the fakeness, the false notions of security, and the enemies that abound. God as rain and storm are obvious, you know when you experience it. However, God as the undercurrent is hardly noticeable. The undercurrent moves below the surface. Extremely powerful but you often do not know it’s happening to you.

After this year, I am left with a choice, trust God fully or doubt. Of course, I thought I trusted in God before. Obviously, God has brought me to another level of trust in which I was not ready for before. I am barely able now.

Trust in God

Trusting is no longer theoretical nor cognitive. Trusting in God fully means living your life as if God sees you and loves you. It means trusting God to provide for our family, that His ‘silence’ doesn’t mean He isn’t speaking, that He has a plan, even so, that He has always had a plan. It means trusting God to grow us in the right ways, to give us what we need, to deal with the haters, to protect our character, to bring friends and to sustain us with support we need. Trusting, for me, is knowing that God has something good for me despite what I see Him doing for everyone else.

God is the rain, storm, and undercurrent.²

Are you ok with how God decides to show up in your life?

I was not. I wanted my version of God. When you are forced to reconcile with God being all of God, it is humbling and humiliating. It is hard. It changes everything. It changes you. I am convinced that many people do not know this more complete God… and I do not envy them. I am resolved, at least today, to stick with Him.

small undertow in the stream by the house

Living with God as Undercurrent

Reading about David this month was clarifying for me. “But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this? For everything comes from you, and we have given you only what comes from your own hand. For we are aliens and temporary residents in your presence as were all our ancestors. Our days on earth are like a shadow, without hope.” 1 Ch 29:14–15. David is a guy whose life can be characterized as ‘but who am I?’ I think this is why he’s a man after Gods own heart. This is encouragement for me to not feel entitled but grateful for what He has given. Let our gratitude and thankfulness direct our lives, not our disappointment and frustration. In this perspective shift, we do not merely tolerate God but can actually love Him. We are being moved, shaped, replenished, and we can trust that God sees and has our best interest in mind.

Who is God to you and how has He been showing up in your life?

1. The Didache, formally called 'The Teaching of the Twelve Apostles,' is the earliest recorded Christian handbook that we know (AD 80-120). In the Didache it was assumed Christian fasted a minimum twice per week, "But let not your fasts be with the hypocrites; for they fast on the second and fifth day of the week; but do ye fast on the fourth day and the Preparation (Friday)."

2. I am not a pantheist so I will continue the metaphor.