The Search for Meaningful Connections: Overcoming Loneliness and Nurturing Authentic Friendships

Embracing Vulnerability, Authenticity, and the Pursuit of Genuine Community

The problem I see in American Christianity is that we do not know how to be alone with ourselves and despite all the constant interactions, we are lonely. Many of us are using our constant interactions with others as a distraction from dealing with our own internal struggles. We are lonely because we do not know how to be alone with ourselves. The constant barrage of emotional stimuli from TV or scrolling social media¹ only exacerbate our problem. On the other hand, liking someone’s stories, following them on social media, and commenting on their posts is not community.

We are neither committing time for solitude nor biblical fellowship.

According to a recent national survey of American adults conducted by Harvard University researchers, 36% of respondents reported serious loneliness—feeling lonely. 43% of young adults reported increases in loneliness since the outbreak of the pandemic. About half of lonely young adults also suffer from anxiety and depression.² A record number of Americans now live alone.³ Scientifically, they have determined that long-lasting loneliness can cause or exacerbate physical diseases leading to sickness and even death.⁴

Johnna standing in the rain.

Loneliness Inventory

Take the following loneliness inventory.⁵ The current epidemic of loneliness calls for intentional evaluation of the type of friendships we surround ourselves with. Reflect on the loneliness inventory provided in the post and consider the depth and authenticity of your friendships.

• Do you wish you had more and deeper friendships?

• Do you have non-family members who or committed to helping your family thrive in your Christian walk by asking hard questions, initiating prayer, and hosting your family in their home?

• Do you have someone you can really trust?

• When you make efforts to connect, do others have the capacity and the willingness? Are those efforts reciprocated?

• Do you have a friendship in which physical warmth and affection (in a non-sexual way) is normal with members of the same sex and opposite sex?

• Do you spend more of your time interacting with ‘friends’ on social media then you do with people in person?

• Do you find it difficult to find and make new friends?

• Do you have people in which you regularly enjoy a friendship that extends beyond shared activities and interests?

• Do you have people in which you enjoy a friendship that exists in the ordinary and everyday details of life? Do you have people with whom you share your happy, sad, and in-between moments with, such as news of your accomplishments, an argument with a spouse, or ways in which you are disciplining your children?  

The Impact of Disconnectedness

Loneliness is a feeling of sadness, isolation, or emotional emptiness that arises from a real or perceived lack of meaningfulness in one’s connection with God and others. It is a sense of longing for intimate social interaction and belonging. 22 percent of Americans say it has been at least five years since they last made a new friend. The number of Americans who say they have no close friend has quadrupled since 1990. Nearly half of women (48 percent) and less than one-third of men (30 percent) say they have had a private conversation with a friend during which they shared their personal feelings in the past week.⁶ This is an epidemic.

Loneliness, Solitude and Being Alone

There is a difference between being alone with yourself and loneliness. Being alone with oneself refers to intentional solitude or taking time for introspection, reflection, and communion with God. It is a purposeful state in which one seeks intimate connection with God, Creation, and self through a deeper relationship with Jesus. Jesus, for example, often withdrew to solitary places to pray and seek guidance from His heavenly Father (Lk 6:12). When the disciples wanted to find Jesus, they knew to look for Him where He frequently prayed alone (Mk 1:35-37). It is in solitude that we lay the groundwork for spiritual development and cultivate an environment for richer friendship. In order to live in a healthy codependent and Christian community, one must first understand that they are loved by God, accepted by God, and they love themselves. This is the second greatest commandment “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mt 19:19). A Christian who desires healthy friendship and community must also possess the capability of being alone with themselves.

Unfortunately, society is happy to capitalize on our individuality.

We strive for self-sustainability in which we only have to rely on ourselves to meet all our needs. We have AI chat, insurance, online church, etc. so as to avoid human dependency and vulnerability upon anyone. We have an attitude of individuality that breeds mindsets such as ‘the more someone can engage you, the more they can manipulate you.’ Our current societal and Christian norms exacerbate our problems.

Where’s Your Tribe?

Do you wonder: Where is my tribe? Where are the Christians that embrace the entirety of the Bible, even when it's uncomfortable? Where are the Christians whose hermeneutics are mature enough that they aren't easily swayed by cultish evangelical) talking points? Where are Christians whose lives reflect the faith they claim? Where are those for whom Christianity is not merely a thing they do but being Christian is who they are? Today more than ever, friendship requires intentionality, devotion, and a humble submission to Christ's lordship.

The prophet Elijah said, “I, even I only, am left.” Do you feel that sometimes?

Navigating Challenges and Seeking Genuine Connections

Although loneliness can be unhealthy, Luo Priolo suggests that loneliness is an emotion created by God that serves a purpose. This painful emotion can serve as an indicator that we need to examine something in our lives more carefully, with the foremost consideration being a potential defective relationship with God.[5]

In the journey of our lives, Johnna and I have encountered numerous challenges, including navigating through church drama twice, embracing our mixed race backgrounds, and managing the dynamics of a large family. These experiences have often left us feeling isolated and seeking connection. We find ourselves evaluating our friendships with the intent to give our most valuable possession, time, towards the relationships that will be most enriching and purposeful. We know a lot of people and yet we find ourselves struggling to find those willing or able (time, capacity, energy, different life stages, etc.) to devote their efforts to the commitment of friendship. We’ve found making meaningful local friendship an ongoing challenge, in which we are constantly asking, “Is it us?”

The Struggle to Find Meaningful Local Friendships

I am seriously working through the mental logistics of matchmaking for friendships. I’ve thought about placing an ad:

“Friendship wanted. Must be committed to regular gatherings. Vulnerability, authenticity, food, fun, and commitment are required. Participation in a church small group does not receive any preferential consideration.”

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